Has anyone ever told you that you don’t receive love? Or, since someone DID tell you that you are not receiving love, you have been struggling to figure out how to receive it?
I was told that I wasn’t receiving love years ago. Since then, I tried to receive it on every occasion. When someone gives me a hug, when someone thanks me, or gives me a compliment… I tried to “receive” it without dismissing them by saying like “Oh, thank YOU!” or “Oh, it’s nothing.”
I also tried to open up my left/feminine side so I could receive more and get nurtured more.
Did they work? No. They made me more nervous about receiving love. However, it was a great opportunity to find out why I am not good at receiving.
The Reasons Why I’m NOT Good at Receiving Love
My birth experience
During my birth, I got stuck in the birth canal. I still remember the dream about my birth that I used to have repeatedly until I was 3 or 4 years old.
The dream always started with me in a fetus position in an amazingly comfortable space. As I started to crawl forward, the comfortable space got narrower. At one point, I couldn’t move either forward or backward and got stuck completely. That felt so frustrating that I wanted to scream, but I always woke up at that moment.
The actual birth went like this. I was a little bigger baby than average. I got stuck in the birth canal for a little while, so the doctor used anesthesia. Then, I was born with jaundice. I’m assuming all the frustration I felt went into the gallbladder and the liver which resulted as jaundice.
Because of jaundice, I got separated from my mother immediately and put in an incubator. I didn’t get to have a proper bonding with my mother.
On top of that, when my mother was ready to go home, I got a cold and had to stay at the hospital by myself a little longer.
Basically, I missed the important opportunity to learn how to receive love right from the get-go of my life.
Patterns in my family
My family wasn’t a happy, ideal one. My father was a very strict person, especially on my elder sister. Whenever my sister created a problem, my father tried to discipline her by hitting her with a rolled-up newspaper, making her stand outside for an hour, putting her in a closet, and so on.
At that time in Japan, those things were believed as a part of discipline. However, in my family, they happened so often that I got scared whenever I saw or heard my sister get scolded by my father. That fear ingrained into my subconscious level so strongly that I became vigilant in any changes of people’s mood.
That led me to become a good kid to make everything go smoothly and peacefully by doing the right things. I was quiet whenever I needed to be quiet. I never had any tantrums. Basically, I tried to give love to everyone around me without receiving any from anyone around me. I was always good and fine.
All the adults around me believed I was good and fine. Even I started to believe it even though it started as my defense mechanism.
More incidents that enforced the pattern
When I was 5 years old, my mother died of a breast cancer. Even though I didn’t understand what death meant, I’m sure that it shut down almost completely whatever the ability to receive LOVE I had.
One year later, my first step mother left us all of a sudden. There was no explanation what was going on between her and my father and why she decided to leave us.
It is said that your character and patterns in your life are set during the first 6 to 7 years of your life.
By the time I became 7 years old, all of my ability to receive love was berried in a deep and dark place within me. I became not only good and fine but tough and different from other kids.
The ultimate experience of true love
As you can imagine, my adolescence was full of emotional roller coasters which were buried deep within me. I kept the “good and fine” appearance.
When I turned to 18, I met a spiritual teacher, Master Dolores Hand. She was such a powerful, amazing teacher. She taught us from the simplest thing like how to keep our space clean so we can keep good energy in our living space to the amazing cosmic myths. Her love was so powerful that I always felt completely safe when I was around her. That was such a huge joy and relief, because I had never felt safe in my own space, my own body, and in this world till then.
I also felt that there was nothing I couldn’t do because her faith in us was beyond my imagination. She had a 5-day retreat at Mt. Shasta every summer. I got to join the last three of them, and at the end of every retreat, I felt so ready and confident that I could tackle any issues in my life. I was so looking forward to going back to my life.
She passed away 20 years ago, but she is still with us and holding us in her tremendously huge love. I am so grateful that I could have time to be with her and experience her love and faith.
Then, the real spiritual practice had begun…
Master Dolores said that her teaching was done and we all graduated at the end of the last retreat. Since then, we were on our own.
She gave us all of the teachings she could give us. So, it was time for us to practice one by one until we actually got it. Every little thing in my life gave me a reminder of what she taught us. As I was walking down on my path, my spiritual zigsaw puzzle had started to give me a bigger picture piece by piece. It was like I was expanding my soul map.
I started to see my true self and false self more clearly. I released lots of old emotions. I went through countless forgiveness. I had many epiphanies as well. And yet, I was still bad at receiving love. Until one day, that Aha! moment happened to me.
What Aha! moment showed me…
It was a normal weekday. I was working. All of a sudden, a thought came to me, and I realized that I was doing it completely wrong. All I needed to do was to relax completely. Then, I would be able to reconnect to the Oneness and become love itself. It wasn’t about receiving or giving. It wasn’t about opening up my chakras or feminine side. It was about relaxing myself completely and remember where I was originated from.
The love holds us, connects us, and exist within and around us. We are love, and we are one.
From that point of view, forgiveness happens naturally like breathing, you can get unstuck from the old patterns and start creating your heaven on Earth.
That moment of clarity was amazingly powerful, but as you probably know, that kind of moment never lasts until you actually get it down. So, I’m still on an emotional roller coaster from time to time. However, now I know what to do. So, practice, practice, and practice… A spiritual path never ends, right?
Thank you so much for reading this far. I hope you enjoyed the post. Now, it’s your turn. Please share your experiences about receiving love, or what you thought about this post in the comment section. And, don’t forget to share this post with your friends and subscribe.